It's satire, you jerks.

POOR OPENING LINES WITH WHICH TO MAKE FIRST CONTACT

• 
  "Hey, you guys just flew in from M82, right? By any chance, your arms wouldn't happen to be tired would they?"
• "Wife swap!"
• “Death beam? Is that like a laser show?”
• "You think you're better than me?"
• "We have some literature we'd like you to read."
• "Welcome to earth, we're easily divided against one another, but enough about us..."
• "Can you come back at 8:30? ‘The Simpsons’ are on now."
• "I smell a sentient life form who wants a noogy!"
• Pretend to yawn and place arm around alien shoulder equivalent. Make out.
• “You’ve got a pretty vocal orifice.” Cocks shotgun.
• “Look at the size of your heads! Jesus H, guys. Hey everyone, come look at the space freaks!”
• “You better have brought us something cool or this first contact is over.”
• “Osama, advanced alien life forms. Advanced alien life forms, Osama.”
• “You call that a graviton-based emissions propulsion subsystem?”
• “Pay up guys. I was right. These new aliens are way uglier than anyone could imagine.”
• “Sorry new aliens, the Miturians found us first. Guess it’s sloppy seconds for your people, huh?”
• “Whoa whoa whoa. Where you think you’re going? I’m gonna need to see an ID before I let you land on earth. Plus it’s a $20 cover and you’re gonna need a stamp if you’re planning on drinking.”
• “Those beaks of yours look awfully Jewish…what’d you say your last name was again?”
• “Run! These ones can open doors and water isn’t acid to them!”
• “OK, in episode 23 when Kirk…”
• “So it’s you, the Alien, and the Predator trapped in an arctic pyramid. Who wins?”
• “Welcome to earth. Now pick a political affiliation. We have two.”
• “So…how much experience do your people have with global decimation? Oh, no reason. Just curious I guess.”
• “You’ve got a little something right there. Let me get that for you. (Later, after earth has been destroyed...) What do you mean that was his brain sac?”
• (whispered) “They’re so small. Do you think I could keep one as a pet?”
• “Yes, officer, I’m sure. That’s the one who mugged me, the big black one…with 14 eyes and wheels for hands.”
• “Will you please take our old people and do something with them—I don’t care, make them young again, feast on their spirit energies, anything, just please, we’ve had enough.”“Nice ship. How many cams?”