No, I'm not back. My girlfriend lent me her laptop, you jerks.

Don't mistake this entry for a return to regular updating by me. I'm just borrowing my ggirlfriend's laptop from work. Just remember, I'm on a crashed-hardrive-imposed e-vacation and I'm enjoying it. Everyday I awake without the desperate need to type up something funny for you blackholes of laughter out there who read my satirical entries. I swear, you guys, it's never enough for you, is it? I could write a magazine's worth of comedy every half hour and I bet I'd still get emails complaining and asking about when I was going to update again.

ME: "I just posted 873 new prose pieces, 551 musical parodies, 48 short films, 26 feature films, and one humorous hologram--I had to invent that technology just to make the post! I need to sleep. What else could you possibly ask of me?"

YOU GUYS: "Office work boring. Cubical manager big dickhead. Smash! Internet only outlet for spiritual growth. Grrrr! Feed us feeeeed us ffffeeeeeeeeeeed uuuussss..."
And then the zombie hordes that are my readers attack then download my soul and I get trapped in e-limbo because one of you yahoos was using a dial-up still. Thanks a lot.

Yes I've been told I tend to exaggerate. But the pressure to run a successful website, it's enormous. I've seen better men than me crack under it. Well, not better, but fatter. I've seen fatter men than me crack under the pressure.

Look, I'm terribly sorry that for the next couple weeks I won't be able to fill whatever that void in your life is that forces you to return to my site over and over again. But I can direct you to somewhere that can.

For your own good, and for my peace of mind, rent the movie "Wisteria." It might be the worst film ever to not appear on MST3K. It's a fantastic homage to slapdashery and dipshittery and I highly recommend it in my absence.

I love you all. Now go away.


Yours in Updates,
Sean