It’s a belated holiday piece I couldn’t post due to my lost laptop, you jerks.

As a big fan of being able to breathe air with viscosity levels around 2 cP and to drink water with a molar filth concentration of .5M or less, I’m naturally a strong supporter of environmentally sound lifestyles. Which is why living in Los Angeles always irked me. It’s a sprawling desert megalopolis with no resources of its own (not counting Mexicans) and prone to frequent disasters like wildfires, earthquakes, riots, and Bukowski pub crawls. I think it’s pretty clear what the message is:

GOD DOES NOT WANT PEOPLE THERE.

I guess some signs are harder to read than others. Maybe if the entire city got the stigmata people would move…maybe if wolves attacked. The Mayan’s were big on wolves bringing about the end of the world. Maybe all Los Angelinos can move to ancient Maya. They can all hop in, two at a time, into the Back to the Future Delorean on the Universal lot and give it a go way back when.
Here’s to L.A. “doing 90, you bastards.”

Anyway, during the holidays, I like to keep in the environmental spirit by not using wrapping paper from stores for my gifts. I like to make my own using old newspapers. And we all know how uplifting and light hearted the printed word usually is (case in point, me).

Is this a sound conservation policy? Yes.
Is this festive? No.

It can be tough to truly appreciate the effort that went into buying your XBOX 360 when you’re forced to read about the latest disaster before hand.
“Oh, an Xbox360! Great! This will really help cushion the blow from the drought in Siam. I’m sure if I play Splinter Cell long enough, a few million of those who died last week will come back to life. Yeah for the holidays!”

So here, as a NY TIMES subscriber, are the top 5 headlines I accidentally forced loved ones to read before opening their gifts from me. Included are the reactions from my relatives. In no particular order…:

1. SOUTH AFRICAN POLITICIAN JAILED ON RAPE CHARGE
Sean’s grandmother: “Why do you do this? Every year. Well, thank you anyway.”

2. ANOTHER SCHOOL BARRIER FOR AFRICAN GIRLS: NO TOILET
Sean’s aunt: “I guess I should be happy for stalls. See? I’m grateful.”

3. NEW YORK POLICE COVERTLY JOIN IN AT PROTEST RALLIES
Sean’s step-dad: “Hey, you were probably almost arrested Sean. What were you protesting again, a tree or something?”

4. CITIES OF CANVAS RISE IN HURRICANE'S RUBBLE, THOUSANDS HOMELESS AND—(TORN OFF)
Sean’s 4 year old cousin: “Barbies!”

5. THROUGH HIS WEBCAM, A BOY JOINS A SORDID ONLINE WORLD
Sean’s mother: “(sighs) Just once. Just once Sean. Can we—never mind. I’m going to have a good day in spite of this. Thank you, honey.”

The holidays are a magical time.

Yours in Belated Holiday Spirit,

The Crespo