It's satire, you jerks.

The History and Development

of Police Interrogation Techniques

The sublime dichotomy of Good Cop/Bad Cop …it seems like simple common sense to modern Americans. For instance, if you, the Good Cop, want to scare a criminal into confessing, you must make him believe that your partner is prone to excessive force and that you will be unable to stop him. A good way to do this, as we all know, is to have a few well placed friends on the force hold a conversation outside the criminal’s holding cell revealing that all the officers at that precinct are forced by shear force of this “bad cop’s” personality to turn a blind eye to his excesses:

“That’s Kuwolski for ya.”
“What are ya gonna do?”

”Nuthin’.”

”Nuthin’. Yeah.”

Or if the criminal is a particularly difficult nut to crack, they might embellish a little further:

“Too bad about that last guy.”
“Yeah, they say Kuwalski worked him over for 3 straight days before releasing him.”
“I heard Kuwolski killed him.”

"I heard Kuwolski killed him and then ate him.”

"I heard he killed him, ate him, then shat him out and ate him again.”
“That’s Kuwolski for ya.”
“What are ya gonna do?”

"Nuthin’.”

"Nuthin’. Yeah.”

And yet, though this seems a self evident process to you and me, the Good Cop/Bad Cop scenario is in reality a hard won discovery, which for hundreds of years, from law enforcement representatives from England’s Round Table through to Spain’s Grand Inquisitors to America’s Keystone Cops, had eluded the simple pragmatic formula for success that we enjoy today.

Here then, in all its splendor and ugliness, all its moments of clarity and misdirection, is a brief history of the development of Good Cop/Bad Cop.

578 A.D. Good Knight/Chivalrous Knight
GOOD KNIGHT: The Grail….where have you hidden it? Speak, or my fellow liege lord will be forced to act upon you.
CHIVALROUS KNIGHT: (off saving many damsels)
GOOD KNIGHT: Damn.

In 590 A.D. , the formula was retooled slightly, yet still unsuccessfully…

590 A.D. Good Knight/Slightly Less Chivalrous Knight
GOOD KNIGHT: The Grail…. where have you hidden it? Speak, or my fellow liege lord will be forced to act upon you.
SLIGHTLY LESS CHIVALROUS KNIGHT: (off saving only one damsel)
GOOD KNIGHT: Damn.

1492 A.D. Good Cop/Native American Cop
GOOD COP: We know you know where the short cut to the East Indies is. See if you don’t tell us where they are, my people have to exploit this whole hemisphere, spreading disease and eventually enslaving and exterminating the entire indigenous population, which unfortunately includes my partner here. Now tell us where—
NATIVE AMERICAN COP: (scalps GOOD COP)

1599 A.D. Good Cop/Rubenesque Cop
GOOD COP: I beseech thee, miscreant, confess. I am well humoured, but my partner here, he is choleric and suffering from a distemper of the spleen. I will be unable to restrain him if you do not offer up the truth as a tithe to his wrath.
RUBENESQUE COP: I like gravy.

1700 A.D. Bad Inquisitor/Worse Inquisitor
BAD INQUISITOR: Confess to the heinous sin of heresy. Admit your allegiance with Lucifer, or I will be forced to torture you until you die.
WORSE INQUISITOR: And I will help.

During the industrial revolution, many law officers turned to then-modern scientific advances as their savior, for example, the disastrous 1882 A.D. employment of the Good Cop/Curious Cop patter:

1882 A.D. GOOD COP/CURIOUS COP
GOOD COP: Tell us where the gold is. Please. I can’t control my partner anymore.
CURIOUS COP: (shovels coal into suspect who dies from coal poisoning)
GOOD COP: See, Kuwolski, coal isn’t the solution to every problem.
CURIOUS COP: Yeah, you’re right. What are you gonna do?
GOOD COP: Nuthin’.
CURIOUS COP: Nuthin;. Yeah.

1938 A.D. Good Gendarme/Morally Ambiguous Gendarme
GOOD GENDARME: Maintenant Monsieur Mastermind, tell moi where ze shipment is coming in ce soir or my partner will have to do ze rough of you up.
MORALLY AMBIGUOUS GENDARME: Eh. What do we even mean by “bad” and “good?” Zese concepts, Zey are arbitrary and imposed on us by a specific culture of religion and class. Zis suspect probably needed ze money simply to live. But who care. I am going for ze wine. Maybe I come back. Maybe not. Who care. Not I. (leaves)
GOOD GENDARME: When he returns, you are in trouble. He is a mean drunk.

By the mid 1900’s, using the controversial Rhyme Technique, law enforcement was closing in one what would eventually prove the most effective interrogation method.

1952 A.D. Good Cop/ Sad Cop
GOOD COP: Where’s the loot, kid? You got three seconds to tell me before I loose my partner on you.
SAD COP: (sings DEEP PURPLE)
GOOD COP: And I’ll make him do it in a falsetto next if you don’t talk.

1963 A.D. Good Cop/Dad Cop
GOOD COP: I want answers, and I want answers now you dirtbag!
DAD COP: Good job, son. Way to bait his anger. There’s no way he won’t tell you everything you need to know now. Good work. I am so proud. Uh-oh, Woo Woo!
GOOD COP: No, not now Dad.
DAD COP: Yup, now. It’s the Hug Train! All aboard!
GOOD COP: DAD! Let me go.
SUSPECT: You are so lucky to have a dad like that. I probably wouldn’t be here if I had had had a good male influence in my formative years.
DAD COP: SHUT THE FUCK UP GUTTERSNIPE OR I’LL SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK AND HAVE MY BOY PISS UP YOUR ASS!
GOOD COP: I’m so confused.

1980 A.D. Good Cop/Rad Cop
GOOD COP: Stop doing Ollies while we interrogate!
RAD COP: Skate or die, old man! (skates off)GOOD COP: I’m 23!

By 1983, they were very close.

1983 A.D. Good Cop/Ad Cop
GOOD COP: So, we’ve got the evidence and a confession from your friends. All we need to know now is who’s the ringleader. Who set you up, you filth?
AD COP: Filth? Tough stains getting you down? Invented using NASA tested technology, new CLEANSING SOLUTION will clean your floors in half the time of regular disinfecting agents. Let me uncuff you. Here, I’ll mop this area with Agent X and you mop that area using CLEA—(suspect runs off) where are you going?
GOOD COP: No one likes you.

Finally, in 1985, they hit the mark. Here, in its entirety, the first ever recorded beta version of the Good Cop/Bad Cop patter in a live interrogation. Though ultimately unusable, the process would quickly be refined into the successful format we know today.

1985 A.D. Good Cop/Bad Cop
GOOD COP: Hey, listen, I don’t care if you don’t tell me who you were buying for.
My partner over there though, he’s not so well in the head. And if you don’t tell him what he wants to hear, well, I can’t be held accountable for what he does.
BAD COP: (enters) He talk yet?
GOOD COP: Nope. You want me to step out of the room, Kuwolski?
BAD COP: Sure. (GOOD COP steps out) Now, who were you buying for?
SUSPECT: I ain’t telling you nothing.
BAD COP: (shoots Suspect in head)
GOOD COP: (re-enters) Good work.
BAD COP: (eats suspect, then shits him out, then eats him again)
GOOD COP: Dear god, Kuwolski! I thought that was just a joke about you.
BAD COP: Me too. What should we do about it?
GOOD COP: Nuthin’.
BAD COP: Nuthin’. Yeah.

And who knows what the future might bring…

4205 A.D. Good Cop/Xandorian Cop
GOOD COP: You’re sure you can’t remember the name of the person who sold you the Obliteration Ray? Ok then, but I warned you. My partner, the crazy alien one, he’s going to take a crack at you now. Hey, (screeching noise, punctuated with guttural ululations), it’s your turn!
XANDORIAN COP: Dearest suspect, please, this is unseemly. Tell us who sold you the weapon.
SUSPECT: Ok.
XANDORIAN COP: Thank you.
GOOD COP: Great work. Uh-oh, here comes the Hug Train.
XANDORIAN COP: Woo Woo!
(They hug.)