HOW TO BE LOATHSOMELY REPELLENT TO WOMEN
by John Doe
as told to Sean Crespo and Jay Pinkerton
available off site at:
http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/03_voices
/loathsome/loathsome.asp
available in print at:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/
1590710185/103-4286877-5371833?v=glance&n=283155
Are you being forced to engage in excessive amounts of exhaustive love making, many times against your will? Lord knows I’ve had this problem. Often I simply collapse, spent and aggravated, on veritable piles of recently sexed models. I can only assume you must battle similar annoyances, and my heart goes out to you and your over-thrusted loins.
Whatever your reasons, you took the time to seek out my book, How to Be Loathsomely Repellent to Women, and I applaud your savvy.
Sadly, however, there isn’t any one trick to repulsing women; as with anything worth doing, making yourself completely and utterly undesirable involves a number of approaches, which I call the 6 B’s. (The B, you’ll note, is the second letter of the alphabet; remember this, as it will come in handy for remembering the six B’s.)
Let’s begin.
TIP #1: Be Ugly
Some lucky people are genetically predisposed to having challenging, even radically unsettling features. For the rest of us, be it a shovel to the face or dangerous hobbies involving leaps from great heights, ugly features take effort—and a willingness to do irreversible structural harm to our bodies, emphasis on the face! So, if you’ve been cursed with high cheekbones, evenly spaced eyes, and at least most of your teeth (as opposed to one giant tooth or teeth with 3 feet roots facing outward), you’ve got some work cut out for you.
But don’t despair—a quick trip to your neighborhood plastic surgeon might be all you need to get on the path to looking truly, violently loathsome. The budget-conscious among you, however, may simply wish to purchase the largest portion of vodka from the nearest bulk store, then seek out the steepest flight of steps in your area.
Let Nature take its course.
Now for those of you genetically gifted with an unsightly, vomit-inducing appearance, don’t get too cocky. You still have to worry about the neck down. To ensure that your sexual appeal is completely non existent, be careful with your life choices, or what I like to call the LC (or Life Choices). Yes, that job down at the construction site might pay well—but isn’t a sedentary desk job a more effective method for achieving that pale, doughy physique guaranteed to repel women? Remember: office settings combine the best of the worst in a man, with a gradual deadening of body and spirit. There’s nothing more attractive than spiritual wholeness and toned muscles; avoid these at all costs. A simple cubicle and a chair to pour your daily widening ass into could be your best friends.
Think you’re not at risk? Studies show even one brisk open-air walk on a lunch break can heighten your self-esteem and force you to lose the weight you’ll need to be repulsive. The next time you get the urge to take a stroll, ask yourself: “Where is my mouth, and what can I be putting into it right now?”
Tip #2: Be Alone
“What could possibly repel a woman more than a man with no functioning social skills?” you ask. The answer, of course, is fat people. And yet many first-timers assume that showing off their poor social skills and awkward conversational gambits is their best bet for repulsing the opposite sex.
This is a common mistake. In reality, most women are so emotionally a shambles from past relationships that acts of rudeness, attempts to discuss comic books, or loud, beefy farts are actually more likely to turn them on. Back when I used to go to bars (before the endless requests for sexual encounters drove me away), I once punched a girl in the jaw. Two weeks after the arraignment we were married.
You will find that the best policy for becoming a below-average Joe is simple avoidance. Latch yourself onto science fiction or sports instead. Let their immersive worlds, endless statistics and respectively tarty costumes be your shield.
“But how do I avoid making contact with an entire gender, especially one that comprises over 60% of the world’s population?” Good question. The answer lies in the three N’s, although to be fair two of the three N’s are spelled without N’s: a Nocturnal lifestyle, God-like speed, and the Ability to use the shadows themselves as a medium for travel. If the three N’s prove too difficult to master, consider dressing as a Tolkien character. It achieves a similar effect and involves taller hats.
Speaking of Tolkien fans, what better way to avoid the ladies than by making it official and becoming a hermit? That’s right. It’s as easy as never going outside ever again! Plus, after a good long stretch of hermitude, if you do happen to come upon a female by mistake (though how you could mess up staying inside is beyond me), the visible shivering due to her presence and your startled reactions each time she speaks will more than ensure she won’t be bothering you again.
If you’re still not sure how to be alone, here’s an example of how a conversation between you and a woman should go:
WOMAN: So, what did you do this weekend, anything fun?
YOU: (unable to answer because you are not there)
WOMAN: Who the hell was I even talking to?
Now get out there and stay inside!
Tip #3: Be Poor
If a life of complete solitude or physical deformity isn’t your cup of tea, the route of financial paucity should compensate you nicely. There’s actually nothing to it but nothing, so it’s remarkably easy to memorize the steps with the three D’s. Don’t work. Don’t borrow. Above all, Don’t trade anything to anyone (books, CDs, beaver pelts) in case you mistakenly wind up with an item of slightly higher value. I once traded some valuable family heirlooms for a single comic book. Unfortunately, that comic book turned out to be Issue #1 of Superman. I don’t need to tell you who ended up on the profitable side of that transaction. (It was me.)
Nothing turns a girl on like success, so avoid it at all costs. Look for low-end jobs in administration and photocopier maintenance, and be sure to mention your lack of money during the rare times you do see women (see Tip #2). Always carry OXO cubes about your person if proof is required; I find pulling out two, then excusing myself to go to the bathroom so I can “mix up some supper” tends to work wonders for getting the right impression across.
If you do happen to be wealthy, try to get rid of it in one lump, instead of letting it drip away through a series of idiotic swampland-condo investments or other doomed ventures—because who knows, a Sound of the Quakers record label sounds bad, but this is America. People might get behind it.
Donations are a particularly efficient tool for the wealthy, and the more horrible the destination of your money, the more horrible you will appear to women. Contribute vast amounts to American Association of Racial Purity campaigns, or sculptors building mile high Monument to Rape statues. Stick to being poor and you should be fine. Unless you punch her, in which case you might wind up with a Tudor and a joint account.
Tip #4: Be Bruce Villanch
Tip #5: Be Wrong
There is no better way to become loathsome and repellent to the female gender than to be, in all manner and method, in all you say and do, utterly and completely wrong. If you are still having trouble getting women to hate you, well, brother, you’re going about things all wrong— but not the right kind of wrong. The wrong wrong. Which is right and therefore wrong. Right? Wrong. Moving on.
The following are suggestions and examples of previous, successful wrongnesses on my part:
• Gut haddock on her back/stomach during coitus.
• Smile broadly in the mornings, and when she asks why you’re so happy, tell her, “I had that dream where you fall into a bottomless pit with broken glass floating around in it, and the further you got, the happier I got.”
• Suggest intercourse in inappropriate places, like your mother’s bedroom, the bathroom, or “up the ol’ shitbox.”
• Buy intensely uncute pets, like cobras and ferrets. Train them to go right for the fucking eyes at the slightest provocation.
• Learn the ends of all movies; pretend you only guessed the ending.
• Gamble her younger relatives away.
• Wear multiple necklaces of gold letters that spell out other women’s names.
• While she sleeps, give her heated BIC pen tattoos of other women’s names.
• Your genitals should be referred to as “the old filthy cock” at all times when mentioning them at dinner parties and social events, which should be often.
• Build up a resistance to certain mild poisons. Cover your skin in them.
• Always “slip” when going for a handshake with her female friends.
• Rally actively against women’s suffrage.
• Surprise her by wearing blackface to important mixers.
• Adopt a child without telling her. Name the child “ashtray,” then pull out seven cartons of cigarettes.
Tip #6: Be Dead
You’ve tried everything. Being ugly, being alone, being poor, being Bruce Villanch, and being wrong in every conceivable way…yet still women plague your life.
Like an overweight marathon runner or equiphobic jockey, the sad truth is that you are simply not cut out for the task you have chosen. You are just too damn appealing to the graceful gender. I can sympathize, as I myself am awesome. But let me assure you, you will never achieve the necessary state of loathsomeness to remain untroubled by women the rest of your days.
We have now arrived at your last chance for freedom, and as Sartre pointed out, the only real choice you ever get to make: Should you kill yourself or not?
The answer is an overwhelming yes. With that settled, the only question remains how. As you don’t want to give any women the chance to sneak into your bedroom and have sex with you before you get the chance to off yourself, I would advise doing it as quickly as possible.
Guns, knives, toasters and tubs, all of these things will do the job and do it pretty efficiently. Avoid drug overdosing, building jumps, and drownings. They all provide a small but statistically very real chance of being saved. A surprisingly resilient body or exceptionally favorable currents can be your worst enemy. You never know what might stop you from killing you.
And to ensure that women don’t try to engage in postmortem relations with your body, it’s best to set a series of booby traps near your corpse. Sharpened sticks at the bottom of a camouflaged pit, maybe a bucket of venomous snakes left teetering on top of a door —heck, mummies. And if any of those you-hungry ladies should get past those traps, they’re sure to get a mouthful of surprise when they realize too late you’ve covered your genitals with arsenic paste and SARS.
Well, that’s about all. I hope this guide has been as informative as it was informative. Good luck and don’t give up becoming loathsomely repellent to women. I didn’t, and look at me now!
Posthumously Yours,
John Doe
posted by The Crespo @ 2/06/2006
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