You wouldn't believe me if I told you what was happening at this point with my laptop, you jerks.

You would believe me, actually. This isn't that epic a tale. It's not as if my laptop became sentient and is trying to upload human souls through monitors.

But if it did, the movie based on these events years later would be called BANDWIDTH. And the tagline would be, "Don't get too attached."

So hear are the questions you're all wondering about.

Apologies from UPS and/or BEST BUY? No.

Claim forms? Yes.

Processed in an efficient manner befitting someone trying to make up for the incredible lag time of his or her initial response? No.

Retroactive remunerance for writing assignments lost due to a lack of a computer? No.

Will there be lawsuits? Yes.

Guess who lost a year of writing?


Yours in Rhetoricalocity,
Sean Crespo